Here is where I put a self-description; it is my personality in a nutshell! Some look at me as a cold individual, whilst others (very talented few) see through my facade, I do carry my dad’s aura about me, don’t know if that is a learned or inherited thing but people generally do not feel at ease when they first meet me (perhaps first impressions should be followed) maybe it’s the distance I create or maybe it’s because I am not really interested whatever the reasons here is my self explained profile.
And some Rules I live by...... (My World only:~)
I have always been a bit of a boffin!
Right from a child I could understand logical expression and machines better than I could any human being, this is why I find programming a walk in the park, it absorbs me like a virtual world, I love technical books and hate stories about fictional characters unless that is; it is very good science fiction, something to provoke thought or a possibility (grey area), the only exception to this rule is film, I could watch a film about scrooge but I could not read the book, it would bore me to tears.
True or False!
In my true and false world I am safe, black and white, on or off with a total and true understanding without any grey bits diffusing my view! Many have said to me you cannot look at the world in black and white, all I can say you are not looking at it in the right perspective, grey area’s are just untested grounds, they are neither true nor false therefore unsolved, if you say maybe to me I will disregard it and wait for you to make up your mind and say yes or no! Simple, I only use the grey area to test theories or to finalise or test something one way or the other, I never use the grey area as a solid foundation for an argument like most (in your world) weirdly do, a grey area is precisely that, uncharted waters! There is a median however but that is another story, LOL.
Which one is it!Who needs money!
Sometimes I am lost for words, this usually happens when it is neither true nor false, it resides in the area of undecided or the grey area again, it quite literally stops me in my tracks, some people look at this as avoiding an answer or burying your head in the sand but sometimes the problem in the grey area is so opposed either way I cannot speak and therefore will either walk away or say that I do not know, I try to avoid the word maybe.
I have seen money destroy so much in my life; I have watched people’s greed destroy relationships and lives, my own childhood witnessed my dad’s obsession over money and simply ignored me, recently my sister has made my mother destitute through her greed, from a very early age when I threw all the coins around the playground the gear for becoming a millionaire was switched off, my dad said to me once “you will never be anything” I said “I will be a millionaire one day dad” and although it was his negativity that drove my need to prove myself to him I knew deep down he was right, it was not because I was not capable, it was just that once I am doing well I turn down a gear, a sort of mental shutdown and an unpleasant recollection of my past, I can only do better with others or when I need to help others, Bottom line is, yes; I could have made a million dad, but my answer is (especially now) is why? You cannot take it with you, why stress and make something you would never use? If you are happy and have enough what more do you need? As they say (and has been proven several times in my life) money “can be” or is the root to all-evil!
Now we are talking, being brought up in a hotel, watching my dad control his own destiny (to a point) fascinated me, I watched and learned, the money aspect was just a painful bonus, the actual interaction and structure of business itself became my interest and to that end I have been self employed most of my life, I enjoy creating something out of nothing and business is great for doing that, it’s hard work and you have to put the time in but; the bottom line is I absolutely love trading and doing business, and (although I say it myself) I am very good at it, my parents were business people, my aunt run a shop, some of my great ancestors were all in business so I suppose this part of me in in my blood.
Where there is a will!
I have always believed that if you want something bad enough you can achieve it, determination is the operative word here, my dad had determination by the bucket load, and I certainly have that trait, nothing I have done in my life (if I was interested enough) has not yielded some result, this all narrows down to being determined enough to make it work, not giving in and taking all the punches, good old British Bulldog determination is all that is required and you can pretty much achieve anything no matter how many times you are slapped down.
I really could not live without this trait; this is the heart and soul of me, I am very passionate about what I do and whatever it may be, if there is any point to doing anything then you must be your best at what you do, this coupled with determination makes a formidable pair! Unless I can do something with 110% passion and interest then I am not interested at all! I put in the hours to learn, I relentlessly test my theories and only then will I put a plan into action, again if I am interested enough my passion for anything shows no bounds and will work relentlessly around the clock until exhausted or can stand no more!
We all have them but I bet mine is bigger than yours! This is a biggie! And would take more than a few lines to explain, you would need to go into my childhood to totally understand this one but it is part of the reason people see me as cold, it has been a huge obstacle in my life and has caused me so much grief throughout, but on reflection has served it’s purpose in protecting me inside, I still thankfully have full emotions intact, I can give to the right person but quite literally everything else is shut out, this is my self protection mechanism and there has to be absolute trust to actually see me as I am.
This all started many moons ago when I needed to protect myself from being hurt as a child, my father was very aggressive and would hit both me and my mother, he would torment me when he was drunk and ignore me when he was sober, great periods of time would pass where I was on my own and so with my brother by my side I isolated myself in my little bubble, I would shut myself away so that my dad could not hurt me any more, I would stay out of his way and I did not want to hear my mother crying from the black eyes she received, I remember crying all the time as a child, but my outside appearance especially to my dad was defiant, there was no way he would see that he was hurting me, I hid from him when I cried, there would be no chink in my armour and only girls cry, I would give him as good as he gave out.
I was not allowed any friends until I rebelled in my teens and to be quite frank my father put the fear of god into me, I remember my stomach going over when ever he entered the room, I hated his drunken smell as well it repelled me and made me feel sick, so I avoided him and shielded myself so he could not get to me any more and to him I laughed in his face and stood my ground, over many years this barrier became virtually impregnable I moulded it into a great piece of armour, so impregnable in fact it became part of my character! Most of the time it was natural for me to shut anything out that would in any way compromise or hurt me and so a great shield was created that was bullet proof and could endure the test of time from around 6 years old until I was in my teens.
By the time I reached my teens nothing could hurt me, because I would let nothing in or out to give it the chance of doing so, I would analyse anyone’s intentions and then only if they passed would allow them in a little bit, by this time it was all subconscious and part of my character, I did not realise I was actually shutting people out all the time and that love was a two way street until I met the love of my life Karen, but even then this barrier was too well established to totally realise it’s significance in size, right up until I was in my late 30s I eventually worked from the inside out (clawed my way out) and saw this brick wall all around me.
Too late though, it is like a knee jerk reaction, part of my very being now, if your intentions are bad, or I suspect anything you will get a cold exterior, a cold reception, and there is no way you will get through, no matter what you say or what you do your comments or actions will be met with full force and deflected pure aggression and believe me you will never win if that was your intention, I have fought with the best my dad.
The denseness of this shield I created also prevented realisation of certain internal feelings, for instance my son, I should have seen him in me and for what he was, I should have seen this fragile heart that needed protecting but instead I just could not understand it? My daughter was more boisterous than my son, she was a tomboy and I understood this but my lee was more sensitive and it was like being blind to myself, so in my ignorance I ignored him to a degree and so laid the path of my father, it was his ignorance that moulded me as I was now doing unwittingly to my own son! I can only say sorry for this lee and forgive me for being blind at that time, please forgive me for that as i know i am guilty of not paying you enough attention, i simply did not understand myself at that age.