I have just blasted this out as it comes, I have to jump back to that time in my childhood so some of it may come over as a bit argumentative towards my parents, it’s like being in a time warp, the old feelings still reside and suppose if I live in that minds eye will never go away, as an adult I grew out of it and have finally understood my dad, I always have respected him and looked up to him but he was hard work as I know I have been for my son, hopefully somewhere in-between my own son will finally understand me and be some use to him in his life, this is a very rough draft for now!
A child is the single most important gift that we can be given in this life, someone to carry our genes on, a little life to mould into a greater person than you are, unfortunately, my parents got tied up with “the business of life” and whilst trying to make a future for themselves ignored a fundamental basic need of life itself, I am just as guilty of this as I will show in the future pages of this site, it may be passed down through genes or social conditioning I do not know, I do know that my childhood was not a bowl of cherries and on reflection in my own ignorance could have done better for my son and strangely enough through my mistakes understood my parents a bit more, a bit like turning full circle and finally understanding why.
There is no way to tell it other than it is, I may not have too many years left now because of my illness so I am (sort of) cleansing my soul, outputting everything inside, bouncing back in time to open a Pandora’s box of emotions trapped inside me from yesteryear (because I need not protect them any more), non of my words here are meant as vindictive, on the contrary I wish some of it was different, in saying that in a weird way I would not change a thing as it is because of my very nature and upbringing I am now very happy with who I am! So I guess alls well that ends well.
I was born out of wedlock in (1959), I will probably never know if I was a mistake or my mum and dad had to get married in 1961 in those days it was frowned upon to have babies out of wedlock, maybe I forced the situation by being born and that is the reason I had such a hard time? That part is all just conjecture but would go a long way to explain a lot!
From birth to 7 years old:
Some of this I only remember from being told by mother and father I only recollect snapshots of it as such, but as I grew the memories become more vivid I think my memory really starts from around 4 years old because I remember the terrier dog and I remember sitting in the basket below playing!
Mum and dad have always tried to say that I was an unmanageable child, it was my fault all the following things happened to me, the truth is I was an inquisitive child, I needed to understand the world around me and my mother and father were just both too busy with their business to be given the gift of a child (ME) at that time in their lives, I will tell the story and you make up your own mind, I am well; over it now but it all had an everlasting effect on both my actions growing up and the man I am now, others say they are surprised I am as balanced as I have managed to become, all by myself by the way!
From mothers recollections (years ago):
I had my stomach pumped in hospital 3 times, twice when I wandered out into the car park of my dad’s hotel and had drunken motor oil that customers had left behind, and once when I had drunk my mothers perfume left on the side! This was mainly because I was left to my own devices as a child for long periods of time, instead of my mum even considering the ghastly thought that it was her neglect that actually caused these things I was always told it was my fault.
| I remember being trapped behind here by the office door whilst watching my dad run backwards and forwards serving breakfasts with a red face!|
From fathers recollections (years ago):
I had somehow managed to climb up on this sideboard (this I remember vaguely) it was a baby blue and white thing that was used as a larder for jam and bread etc. in my child’s eye I may have been hungry and tried to get up there but the result was the thing falling on top of me a massive lump on the head (hospital again) but apparently I was sat in the middle of all the commotion eating my heart out.
I also electrocuted myself, inquisitive mind again had been studying some workers that my dad had employed for the hotel, and somehow I managed to get hold a plug and some bits of wire and a light bulb and holder and had wired up this contraption that I eagerly plugged into a electrical socket! I must have been around 7 years at this time because I remember bits of it even the colour of the wire and I certainly remember the shock when it exploded in my face!
And last but not least; and I do remember this one very well, I stole a bag of my dads money out of his safe when he was not looking whilst he was working in the office, I then somehow managed to get that money to infant school and started throwing it around the playground, it was half crowns (2 and 6d) in old money about 25p in today’s money!
Of course this caused hell of a commotion in the school with kids scrambling everywhere to try and get their silver piece! I remember finding it very satisfying and intensely hilarious at the same time, I also remember thinking if I get rid of my dads money perhaps he will pay more attention to me, my dad always had his head stuck in books and counting this confounded stuff called “money” my simple logic was if he did not have it he would not spend so much time counting it!
That was in my childhood eye, I did not realise that people were giving him more of it all the time! I did not understand the concept of business just that dad was counting all the time with “what appeared to be” the same bag of money, so I just got rid of it.
This will come in more later: but is part of the reason I have always hated money, during my life I have not had the drive to make loads of it “just enough” although it does come easy to me, because of my qualifications and various talents I make money without thinking too hard, but I have always missed that extra cognitive drive to push it further than “just doing well”.
As a father myself, and looking back, none of these things should have happened, and certainly not the quantity, some of them were a cry for attention; the bottom line is it was simply neglect on my parent’s part! And no; not my fault!
Onto my solid memories from my childhood years from 0-7:
These are mainly blocks of time and regular events, all the mundane bits I cannot remember just parts that affected me.
Most of the time I was on my own, and this was the sequence of events that ruled my life, my time schedule, please remember we are talking a very busy little business here, it was in the mid to late sixties around 1965-8: where there were a lot of commercial travellers and training courses being done at seminars by companies, the hotel was on a main road leading into the centre of Gloucestershire town, so to say my mum and dad had a good little business is an understatement, my dad even had to make bedrooms in the weirdest of places, he also gave up his own bed to facilitate customers and these were plentiful between 15 to 40 people per night! I will correct all these figures as I go along.
- 7.00am preparation for breakfasts, mum and dad running around getting food ready for the customers and serving morning teas with morning calls and papers.
- 8.00am breakfast time: mum cooking breakfast and dad serving it!
- 9.00am clearing of tables and washing up all the dishes, producing bills.
- 10.00am cleaning bedrooms, seeing customers off, workmen coming in for repairs and improvements
- 11.am dad disappears down the pub whilst mum carries on working.
- 12.00noon to about 3.00pm mum still working with only one cleaner, dad arrives back and arguments ensue.
- 3.00pm to 5.00pm dad doing his books whilst mother goes for a rest (sleep), his was the time when I was mostly in the office with dad (counting money) and I could not speak to him, if I did I got shouted at; There would then be preparation for the customers evening meals in-between, also dad used to drink during the afternoons.
- 5.00pm to 7.00pm mum would come down and dad would go to rest (sleep), mum would carry on getting plates ready for meals and laying the tables for dinner service, she also did a lot of extra cleaning during this period as well as sorting out the laundry for the cleaners.
- 7.00pm to 10.00pm evening meals and drinks, socialising, laying tables for breakfasts, washing up and evening coffees and snacks.
Cannot remember much after 10.00pm (may have been asleep) but as you can see, very little time for me, in fact they SHOULD NOT have had a child at this time in their life, I always felt I was in the way, (and I was) I always felt isolated, and I think the only thing I am really guilty of (at this age) is demanding their attention, and mum and dad just simply did not have it to give!
Do I recent this part of my life: yes (could have been better)
Do I recent my parents because of it: No not now (however; I did in my teens and rebelled “another story”)! It also built foundations to my character, which will crop up later.
Basically; it was my childhood and no amount of resentfulness or regret will ever change it, so it is something that I had to accept in the end and move on, internally I have always craved for my mother and fathers love but it was never coming, this detachment at a very early age set fourth a chain of events after 7 years old that moulded my very character and from an overall perspective of understanding myself I have to go back to my roots and my feeling as a child, in this world at a very early age I learned you fight to survive and even then I was strong enough to know that I needed to fight and I was not going to just wither away!
A year to a child at this age is an eternity!
ultimately; I think I was bored out of my mind!
I am just getting this down at present I will expand a bit more and iron out any bits as i go along this is essentially just output and a draft.
At this point in my evolution I see my son lee, I was a very sensitive child, I remember crying a lot and hurting a lot, as a man now I have to look real hard to see the sensitive bit within, it is so well protected by my barrage of defences and shields built over the years. With looking very deep inside I understand my son, and yes; very much a boy and boisterous but with a big heart, I was totally blind to this right up until around 30-35 it was well and truly buried along with the above, part of accepting it has allowed me to access all those internal feelings that I thought were long gone, however as my life unfolds here you will see all the connections.